


Dear Zayn, I'm Sorry

by Kaibatrash



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:29:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23314678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaibatrash/pseuds/Kaibatrash
Summary: Dear Zayn,I'm sorry.Love always,Niall.
Relationships: Niall Horan/Zayn Malik
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

25th March 2017

Dear Zayn,

_I'm sorry._

_Supposedly, it is never too late to apologise, but I fear I have missed my opportunity._

Apparently, keeping a journal and writing out your feelings is one of the steps to getting over someone you love, according to Wikihow anyway. Wikihow suggests it is one of the best ways to confess feelings without telling anyone. So, here I am, writing a journal. Confessing all the things I cannot admit to the people around me, for fear they would not understand. How could they understand? They have not lost and loved the way I have. They could never understand.

Wikihow is useful for many things. But not for this. Keeping a journal of our memories will not bring you back to me. It will not bring you back to life.

Love always,

Niall.

*******************************************************************************************

26th March 2017

Dear Zayn,

_I'm sorry._

_Apologies will not change the past, but I hope it will ease the pain of the future._

I know I said yesterday that this will not bring you back to life, but I cannot stop in the hopes that it will keep your memory alive instead. It has been two years since you left me, left this life, and still I cannot bear to believe that it is the end of your story. But, as the Eleventh Doctor once said, "we're all stories in the end". So here I am, telling ours, and making sure it is a good one. To do so, I did what every other millennial is doing at the moment; I created a blog.

The world deserves to know about you Zayn, and you deserve to be remembered. So here it is, our story, from the very beginning.

Love always,

Niall.

*******************************************************************************************

30th March 2017

Dear Zayn,

_I'm sorry._

_You should be here to tell our story with me._

I know a few days have passed, but I did not realise how hard it would be to put our love into writing. But I am determined to do it. It is the least I could do, in return for all you have done for me.

You taught me I could be loved, at a time when I never thought it possible. You showed me how to love, with every ounce of being, without losing track of myself. You showed me a million and one things, and I can never repay you for that.

Our story begins at the end of the summer of 2010. We were only boys, thrown into a world so much bigger than us. When I stepped onto that plane to England, I never imagined my life could change so much. I was just weeks off 17, but thought I had my life figured out. But I didn’t. Not really. Not until there was you. I saw you, and suddenly my life made sense.

But I suppose this is when I should stop writing to you and tell them our story. You should be here with me, telling it by my side. Our story is one for the ages, in my opinion anyway, and I hope it will be remembered.

*******************************************************************************************************

_The University of Oxford is notorious worldwide, a prestigious school only the smart, or the rich, could get into. Knowing this, Niall Horan stood outside in the gardens, marvelling at the size of the campus. How a boy from small town in County Westmeath ended up, he couldn’t comprehend. To study medicine was always his dream but studying it on a campus such as this was something Niall never thought possible. He stepped to the side to avoid a throng of students who were bustling around, looking at the stalls the Freshers’ Fair has to offer. The academic information talk he attended that morning slowly faded from his mind as he took in the stalls surrounding him. Strolling around, Niall found a table with cauldrons on the side, filled to the brim with butterbeer; the Harry Potter Society. Letting out a sigh of relief, he rushed over to the stall, where a young girl with purple hair was talking to other students. Somewhere he knew he would definitely in._

_“Are you thinking of joining?”, a voice spoke from beside him. Standing there was the most beautiful boy Niall had ever seen._

_“I was thinking about it, Harry Potter is kind of my thing.”_

_“Yeah, mine too,” the boy replied, glancing at Niall who was avidly avoiding eye contact. Blushing slightly, the boy looked back at the cauldron of butterbeer, which he was sure was going to boil over soon._

_“Uh, I’m Niall.”_

_“Zayn,” the boy said, turning towards Niall._

_“Nice to meet ya”, Niall smiled, holding out his hand._

_“You too,” Zayn replied, taking Nialls’ hand. “I have to go; I need to meet my roommate. I hope I see you around though”. Flashing one more smile, Zayn was gone before Niall could even register what he said._

_“Yeah, me too,” he whispered to himself, and walked towards the stand to sign up hoping to put all thoughts of the mysterious stranger out of his mind._

*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

When I met you, I didn’t think my life would change as drastically as it did. As our friendship blossomed, so did our love. Our first meeting was fleeting, much like life is. I wish I had known that the time. I wish I could hold onto the little things for the rest of my life, like the first time you shook my hand. A friendly action, but how I wish I had held onto your hand for a few more seconds.

Had I known our time was limited, I would have cherished every second we had and not forgotten a single one. But no one knows when their time up. As we aged, we grew out of our childlike looks and boyish charm, but you were something different, something special. My very own Ares. The Greek God of War had somehow mortalized and you were the result. Everyone must die though, even Gods must die. No-one is exempt from the limitations of mortals, not even you.

Love always,

Niall xx


	2. Chapter 2

31st March 2017 

Dear Zayn,

_I’m sorry._

_They say to never ruin an apology with an excuse, but I all have are excuses for why you’re not here with me._

You weren’t supposed to leave me yet, but I fear I pushed you too far which left to your untimely demise. It’s such a funny way of putting it. The love of my life is dead, and I am phrasing it as if I am a third party writing an obituary for a complete stranger. You were anything but. If we were honest from the start, we would have had more time together, but we were children and we misread the signs. I wish you were here so we could laugh about it together.

_******************************************************************************************************************************************_

_Niall walked through the door, automatically spotting the one person he was looking for. Sitting at a desk in the back of the room reading a book, was Zayn. Niall hadn’t seen him since that first day, but that didn’t mean Niall had stopped thinking about him. Or talking about him._

_Smiling to himself, Niall headed over. They were the only ones here._

_“I love the glasses”, Niall spoke, sliding into the chair in front of Zayn, turning to face them. Instinctively Zayn fixed the glasses on his face, placing the book down on the table._

_“How many 17-year olds do you know that need reading glasses?”, Zayn joked._

_“Not many, but if I did, they still wouldn’t look as good as you.” Niall paused for a second, processing what he had just said. “Um, I mean, em. I’m sorry I just realised I just assumed you were into guys. I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to be presumpt-”_

_“Don’t worry about it,” Zayn interrupted, before Niall could ramble on further. “I-um- I made the same presumption about you.”_

_“Oh right. I guess we’re even then.” Niall started awkwardly laughing._

_“Yeah, I guess we are.”_

_An uncomfortable silence settled over them for a few moments._

_“Um yeah, so Harry Potter Club. Are you looking forward to it?” Niall managed to get out._

_Zayn let out a slight sigh of relief, he didn’t mean to embarrass himself by all but admitting to Niall that he fancied him, after only one interaction. “Yeah, I am. Harry Potter is kind of my thing.”_

_“Yeah mine too”, Niall looked to the side before snapping his gaze back to Zayn. “Wait, did we have that conversation already?”_

_“I can’t believe that we had one conversation and we are already repeating it,” Zayn laughed, shaking his head._

_“Really says a lot about our memories”, Niall cracked a smile._

_“It does,” Zayn smiled back. “Should this have started already? Or are we just very early?”_

_Looking around the room Niall realised, they were still the only ones in the room. He looked at the door number. C005._

_“What room are we supposed to be in?” he asked, frowning slightly at the door._

_“Um, one second”. There was small rustle. “C105. Why?”_

_“Oh my god Zayn! We’re in the wrong room. And now we’re late!”_

_“Oh shit.”_

_They looked at each for a moment before they hastily grabbed their bags and ran to find the right classroom, laughing as they went._

Oh Zayn, how ironic it was that we were late for our first club meeting much like Harry himself in McGonagall’s class. But I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. I would rather be 10 minutes late for everything in my life, if it meant I got to spend those 10 minutes with you.

Love always,

Niall xxx

****************************************************************************************************************************************************

01 April 2017

Dear Zayn,

_I’m sorry._

_But sorry will not change anything._

Today is April Fools Day. I wish someone would tell me that the last two years and 7 days have been a joke, and that you’re still here. That you’re still with me. It would have been a cruel and drawn out prank, but I can’t imagine it would even bother me, because it would end with you back with me.

Our first month in university, passed in such a blur. We spent more time with each other than I ever spent with anyone else. Our schedules were conflicting, hardly ever seeing each other during daylight hours, but the evenings were our own. We would hang out in one another’s dorms, getting to know each other

********************************

_“Wait, wait, so you’re studying what?”, Niall exclaimed._

_“Psychology, Philosophy and Linguistics,” Zayn repeated, leaning his head against the tree they were sitting under._

_“And you’re doing an assignment on what?”_

_“I have to explain the central premise of the psychodynamic and cognitive perspectives in psychology and evaluate how these perspectives contribute to our understanding of the individual”, Zayn explained, flicking a page from his book back and forth between his fingers._

_“I don’t even know what that means.”_

_Zayn started laughing. “You don’t have to understand it Niall, you’re not doing psychology. Do you think I understand…”, Zayn trailed off before taking the stack of papers in Nialls lap. “biochemistry and medical genetics?”_

_“You might, it’s one of my modules and I don’t even understand it.”_

_“But Niall, it’s the only thing written on the page.”_

_“Yeah I haven’t really gotten around to writing more.”_

_“Not even the title?” Zayn laughed, flicking through the pile of blank pages in his hand._

_“Zaaaayyynnn”, Niall whined leaning his forehead against Zayns shoulder. “Please stop calling me out.”_

_Zayn blushed slightly, enjoying the weight of Niall’s head against him._

_“I’m sorry babe, there’s still five weeks until it’s due. You have plenty of him.”_

_Niall shot up at the use of the pet name that slipped out of Zayns mouth without him noticing._

_“Um yeah you’re right”, Niall managed to get out. “I’ll really work on it tonight, I promise.”_

_“You don’t need to promise me Niall, I trust you.”_

_“You have a lot of trust in someone you only met a month ago,” Niall laughed, opening his textbook on biochemistry and placing the sheets Zayn handed him inside._

_“Yes, but you’re not just anyone, you’re you.”_

_“Well who else would I be?” Niall laughed. “Isn’t it great that we can finally spend daylight hours together? It only took 4 weeks.”_

_“Yeah it is. Next time my class gets cancelled though; we’re staying inside.” Zayn shivered as a cold wind blew, rustling the leaves that surrounded them._

_“Let’s head inside, you can have my hoodie.” Standing and taking off his hoodie, Niall handed it to Zayn who eyed him up and down._

_“I’m not taking your jacket, you’ll be cold.”_

_“Don’t be silly, you don’t need a jacket when you’re as hot as me,” Niall winked at Zayn, tossing the hoodie on top of him and bent down to pick up his stuff. Niall stood abruptly, thinking of what he had just said. “That’s not to say you’re not hot, quite the opposite really. I was just joking about the jacket thing, I didn’t meant to-”._

_“Niall, you’re rambling again,” Zayn laughed, pulling on Nialls hoodie. “I know what you meant. Come on, let’s get inside beside we freeze out here.”_

_Niall stood back for a few seconds, admiring Zayn in his jacket and wondering why he had to be such an idiot._

_“You coming?” Zayn asked, turning around to look at Niall._

_‘I wish’, he thought, as he scurried to catch up._

_*****************************************************************************************************************************************************_

Hey Zayn, I never did get that hoodie back. It’s been nearly 7 years. But there’s a slim chance of me finding it now. It wasn’t in your things when I cleared them out, but you probably discarded it long before then.

I wish you were still here to wear my hoodies and stand over me until I finished whatever assignment I’m working on at the time.

But those moments are gone, and they’re never coming back.

I miss you Zayn,

Love always,

Niall xxx


End file.
